Revised Paragraph

Original: As we develop our intelligence based on our surroundings, we also relay back our intelligence to the whole in an endless cycle. Johnson describes this concept in his example of Manchester City, in which an overpopulated city without government managed to establish order among different niches of people through self-organization. He describes a cycle of intelligence feeding between the city and its citizens involving “patterns of human movement and decision-making...that are then fed back to the Manchester residents themselves, altering their subsequent decisions” (Johnson 199). Manchester residents followed small patterns that eventually led to larger patterns. Not only does this system employ intelligence to individuals, it also modifies itself for the future. Lethem also supports this in his section about the second-use of creative property. Even if books fall out of use, their content can still be transferred digitally and quoted by those who need it in the future. “The more so as artifacts distill into and repercuss through the realm of culture into which they’ve been entered, the more so as they engage the receptive minds for whom they were presumably intended” (Lethem 219). In terms of creative property, we gain intelligence from a source, and we pass on what we learned back to a common source.  Furthermore, John Donne’s quote of the analogy of mankind as a book at the beginning of the essay supports this saying, “One chapter [being man] is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language” (Johnson 211). Mankind’s collective intelligence is constantly being translated by individuals living through its chapters in different ways. Each chapter is passed onto the next, developing layers upon layers of experiences.

Revised: Intelligence flows like a cycle; as the environment imparts intelligence, the receiving individuals eventually relay their intelligence back to the environment. Johnson describes this concept through his example of Manchester City, in which an overpopulated city without a government managed to establish order among different niches of people through self-organization. He determines the cause of this phenomena to be a cycle between the city and its citizens involving “patterns of human movement and decision-making...that are then fed back to the Manchester residents themselves, altering their subsequent decisions” (Johnson 199). In this scenario, the built-in patterns of the city led the citizens to establish larger patterns. Therefore, not only does this city impart intelligence to its citizens, but the citizens build upon this intelligence to affect the future. Lethem also supports the concept of intelligence as a cycle in the context of recycling creative property. In his example, even if books fall out of use, their content can still be transferred digitally and then quoted by those who need it in the future. Lethem views this positively saying, “The more so as artifacts distill into and repercuss through the realm of culture into which they’ve been entered, the more so as they engage the receptive minds for whom they were presumably intended” (219). In terms of creative property, the more so ideas cycle through culture, the more so they will achieve their intended purpose of reaching people. Furthermore, John Donne’s quote at the beginning of the essay analogizes this concept; “one chapter [being man] is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language” (Lethem 211). Each chapter, or individual, constantly translates mankind’s collective intelligence. With every cycle, layers upon layers of experiences develop over time, expanding intelligence as a whole.

The peer review was especially helpful for me in this paragraph, because both of my reviewers pointed out the same errors, indirectly agreeing with one another. One such correction was the lack of an introduction to the second quote in the paragraph, something very obvious that I omitted. I also replaced “personal narrative” pronouns (we, our) from my topic sentence as well as fixing a couple of grammar errors, including changing from passive voice to active voice. This revision contributes to the cycle aspect of my thesis that collective intelligence embodies an evolving cycle.