Revised Paragraph

Original: Equality is the premise of a successful “collective intelligence”. It grants each individual a chance to wield his or her own influence to the bigger context. If most of the voices are heard and recorded, the society will follow the expectation of the majority and create a public common that is valuable to both the higher classes and lower classes, both the renowned experts and general public. This requires a skepticism against hierarchy. As Davidson’s iPod experiment promotes “a lesson in institutional unlearning, in breaking our own pattern and trying to understand more of the intellectual habits of new generation of students and providing a unique space where those new talents might flourish (Davidson, 50)”. The iPod experiment offers the microphone to students, who dwell at the bottom of educational hierarchy with little credential. Yet, the bottom dwellers create educational innovations. The students’ collective efforts reveal some silver lining for educational reform and the urgency to bring back the learning interest. An equality is created in-between professors and students, as both sides are able to offer suggestions and innovations. 

Revised: Equality is the premise of a successful “collective intelligence”. It grants each individual a chance to wield his or her own influence over the bigger context. If most of the voices are heard and recorded, the society will follow the expectation of the majority and create a public common that is valuable to both the higher classes and lower classes, both the renowned experts and general public. This requires a skepticism against hierarchy. The hierarchy of a system tends to have the pyramidal structure where few people occupy the higher hierarchy and the majority of the population dwell in the lower hierarchy. Ironically, the lower classes who have little influence on the decision making are the most pertinent to the consequences of the decision. In Davidson’s educational system, the students are the ones who are deeply affected by the outdated and limited teaching style. Attempting to investigate the power of equality, Davidson’s iPod experiment promotes “a lesson in institutional unlearning, in breaking our own pattern and trying to understand more of the intellectual habits of new generation of students and providing a unique space where those new talents might flourish” (Davidson 50). The iPod experiment offers the microphone to students, who dwell at the bottom of educational hierarchy with little credential. Yet, the bottom dwellers create educational innovations by utilizing Internet to upload lectures that are available for everyone’s use. By doing so, the students in Duke university expand the realm of public common to include other students. Equality is created both between professors and students, and between students in Duke University and other less privileged students. The resulted educational system can intrigue the interest of student in a more efficient and accessible way.

I expand the analysis of textual evidence more and try to clarify the connection between the quotation and the topic sentence. Still, I did not make a connection among the three essays and focused only on Davidson's argument, because the topic sentence describes the pros of equality which can be best reflected in Davidson's example. The other two essays work more with the lack of equality and the resulting monopoly. The paragraph argues for the necessity of equality on using public common, which is part of my thesis statement.