Revised Paragraph

Original: To understand the different methods of collaboration, we must first understand the concept of intelligence and what it means to have collective intelligence. The Oxford dictionary defines intelligence as “the ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skills.” An individual would then be able to obtain information concerning a certain subject and make a decision or perform an action best suited for the situation. We can then apply this definition of intelligence to a group, allowing each person within the group to independently act on their own according to the information they obtain. When the group generates an effect as a single unit, be it an action, an idea, or any other collaborative effort, it becomes “collective intelligence”—intelligence of many people acting as one. This can be intentional or unintentional.

Revised: Before we can begin to understand the benefits of collaboration, we must first understand the fact that collaboration is built on the concept of “collective intelligence,” as Johnson calls it (Johnson 193). Collective intelligence relies on the decisions of the people, who obtain information concerning a certain subject and make a decision or perform an action best suited for the situation. When the group generates an effect as a single unit, be it an action, an idea, or any other collaborative effort, it becomes “collective intelligence”—intelligence of many people acting as one. Individually they may be making their own choices, but as a group their decisions compile until they overlap, merging and intermingling to create a predominant outcome that rises up from the masses. The results can be powerful—instead of having a singular person acting on a decision, the combined force of many people can amplify the reaction to a situation. This can be seen in Davidson’s iPod experiment, where the student body gravitated towards working together to find new uses of the iPod rather than trying to figure it out on their own and generated staggering results, as well as Lethem’s concept of plagiarism, where many minds building on similar ideas can eventually come together to create something entirely new even if they did not plan to work together. Johnson’s self-organizing system produced a similar amplified effect in the form of “patterns,” rising naturally from the actions and interactions between people in society. While Manchester did not involve collaborations of the mind, it did involve the overlapping collective actions of thousands of people that eventually amassed into what appeared to be the spirit of Manchester itself. Whether collaboration is intentional or not, teamwork tends to maximize effectiveness of the intended action. With so many different opinions and different strengths to utilize, collaborative effort allows for people to work to their utmost ability in their fortes.

In my revisions, I greatly expanded on the idea and effect of collective intelligence on collaboration rather than just presenting a definition. My reviewers told me that my essay was lacking in argument and major topics, and so I decided to build upon my statements so that they really showed what I intended to say. In addition, I found it necessary to not only compare the uses of collaboration (as I had in my original thesis) but show the benefits of collaborating in the first place to enhance my argument. This revised paragraph thus feels less like an interim explanation leading into an argument and more like an argument itself.