Revised Paragrah

Original: In Johnson’s text he describes the growth of Manchester and how the various scholars along with the new industry helped the city grow into the urban center it is today, but it was in fact that rise in industry that caused people to change. The location of Manchester made it a prime spot for various trade networks and global markets to reach a widespread audience, causing the people of the region to adapt and grow with the technology; Johnson even states, “Manchester-and indeed the entire Lancashire region-had planted itself at the very center of a technological and commercial revolution that would irrevocably alter the future of the planet” (Johnson 196). The booming industry of the region ultimately drew scholars to the city of Manchester to further the growth of technology. Had Manchester not become the urban center it was there would have been no reason for these scholars to gravitate towards Manchester and cause them to further their research. The cluster of scholars in Manchester also undoubtedly created competition, causing these scholars to not only work at much faster rates but to also develop technology far superior to that of others. Even on the level of an average citizen the rise of industry forced many to adapt to the technology, changing their very way of life, and causing every individual to adapt to the times.

Revised: In Johnson’s text he describes the growth of Manchester and how the various scholars along with the new industry helped the city grow into the urban center it is today, but it was in fact that rise in industry that caused people to change. Johnson shows the impact of industry in Manchester when he says, “Manchester-and indeed the entire Lancashire region-had planted itself at the center of a technological and commercial revolution that would irrevocably alter the future of the planet” (Johnson 196). The booming industry of the region ultimately drew scholars to the city of Manchester which furthered the growth of technology in the region. Had Manchester not become the urban center it is today, there would have been no reason for these scholars to gravitate towards Manchester and to further their research. The cluster of scholars in Manchester also undoubtedly created competition, causing these scholars to not only work at much faster rates but to also develop technology far superior to that of others. Even on the level of an average citizen the rise of industry forced many to adapt to the rising technology, "bringing the working class closer to self-awareness" that is exactly what the city did (Jonson 197). The working class of Manchester already had the skills to grow but lacked the means and drive to do so. With the rise in technology and industry the working class now had an outlet to improve. Unlike the scholars who were inspired by rising industry to further their research, the working class in many ways was forced to grow with the city or be left behind. In either case the majority shift towards industry caused those within Manchester to side with the growing technology and adapt to the times.

In the peer review process I was told that claim of my paragraph was a good example for supporting my thesis, but lacked an effective analysis of my ideas. In my revision I attempted to look deeper into the argument I was making and rather then just use quotes to reaffirm a point I already made I used tried to use in order to grow my argument.

On a side note the main argument of my essay is to explain how it is the majority that influences the minority and not the other way around. A quote a I found says, "The crowd is something you throw yourself into, for the pure poetry of it all" (Johnson 199). I was wondering if this quote is effective in supporting my claim and if so where could I possibly fit it into my essay.